Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
