meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
