I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Semen is not good for contacts.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
