just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
