Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
