The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
You left your underwear on the fireplace
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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