So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
