I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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