finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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