i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
