i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize