Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
