it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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