Someone shit on the floor
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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