I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
