the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
