Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Randomize
