In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
