that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I want her autograph on my taint
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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