forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
