theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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