that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
