So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Randomize
