I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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