my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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