I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
