Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
