Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
