everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
