Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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