You just made me feel so damn special
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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