The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
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