the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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