I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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