Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
