Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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