ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
