my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
