I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
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