I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
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