No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
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