Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
