They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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