if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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