I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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