had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
