We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
