I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
