i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
