I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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