I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
