And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
