I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
My vagina is officially offended.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Randomize
