I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Randomize