I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Randomize
