I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
