How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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