Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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